Thought I’d give an update to what Miss Quinn has been up to lately.  And honestly, it seems like she’s been “up to” a lot… too much.  What happened to my docile newborn that would sleep in my arms, let me leisurely catch up on blogs, read emails… watch an episode of DWTS or AI uninterrupted? Hehe… All of you moms out there are laughing thinking, “hope you enjoyed it while it lasted…”

Anyway, my point.  Quinn is quickly growing and it seems like everyday, she’s adding something new to her resume of skills.  Here are some of the lastest:

Touching toes.  She discovered her toes about a week ago and like any new toy a child typically receives, she doesn’t let them out of her site.  Those toes are in her hands anytime she can grab them. When I gather her from her naps, she’s rocking on her back from side-to-side with her toes in her hands, smiling.  Now if she can figure out how to clean the lint from between her toes… we’d be in business.

Fake laugh to get attention.  This skill appeared earlier this week and is probably the most fascinating. She usually whips out this nugget when she’s in her swing or on her play gym and I’m trying to get something done in the kitchen.  In one movement, she squints her eyes, scrunches her nose, smiles and lets out this short laugh.  She then looks to you in the hopes her action will bring the desired reaction.  At least for now, this new skill of hers causes me to drop what I’m doing, rush over and hopes she does it again.  I copy this “fake laugh” back to her and she repeats it to me.  It’s a game that I could play for hours, but alas, she’s tired of it after about 6 “fake laughs” — then she’s like… “c’mon mom, pick me up for crying out loud”.

Cries when pulling away toy. Well, usually the items I pull away from her are not toys at all, but “adult” objects that she manages to get her fingers on if I’m holding.  Some of her favorite objects: Camera, remotes, red vines or a leaf from a tree (which with my luck, would be some rare poisonous form).  This also began this week and at first I thought it was just a cowinkidink, but NOPE.  Bring on the tears and the drama…  She-knows-what-she-wants-and-will-use-any-means-to-get-her-way.  Hehe… something I know a little about, as does her father, which is why this tactic will be harder to use on Dad than with mom.

Wants whatever I’m eating or drinking. Babies are typically started on solid foods between the ages of 4-6 months.  There are a number of “signs” to watch for which help you know when your baby may be ready to try solids.  One of those signs is when said baby is fascinated by watching you eat and drink. We can check this off the list as Quinn wants to put anything I’m eating or drinking to her mouth.  She is especially interested in my Sigg bottle (which I proudly give her because, how cool is it that my 4 1/2 month old is already environmentally conscious?!)

My current plan is to wait until her 6-month mark before delectable rice cereal is introduced since she’s clearly getting enough breastmilk (a.k.a. Chunky-Monkey), however we’ll see how that goes.  As you’ve probably gathered… She’s sort of running the show.

Isn’t it true that if we talk about our those things we wish to improve about ourselves, rather than shove them further down the rabbit hole, that we have a better chance of overcoming them? Is it true that once the “dirty laundry” is aired, that, in the end, what may have tormented us, wasn’t such a big deal after all…  or you discover that, “wow, you do that too?!?” And feel a sigh of relief to know you’re not alone.

In an effort to air things out and to be a little more honest – and to hopefully free myself of some of this unending supply of guilt I place on myself.

* We are accidental co-sleepers with Quinn. I say accidental because this was not my intention and I feel guilty for it.  When she was a newborn it was difficult for her to settle herself at night.  She would rustle around in her bassinet — and not get any good sleep, nor would I.  So, I started placing her in bed with me/us.  There are many wonderful things about co-sleeping… (including some studies that show sleeping with an infant can help them regulate their breathing).  I get tons of sleep, as does she. And night nursing sessions are only a vague memory the next morning, as I nurse her with one eye barely open. She and I are so well rested – it’s wonderful.

Ahh, but it’s not all fun and games…  One of the down-sides to this guilty-pleasure-sleep-arrangement is the resentment that is building up on the other side of the bed.  Jake keeps asking me, “when is she going to sleep in her crib?”  And I know this needs to happen…  I know my daughter needs to sleep in her own bed now that she’s getting more and more familiar with her surroundings. But OMG it’s hard.  When she was 2 months old I said we’d do it when she was 12 or 13 weeks…  She’s now going on 17 weeks and as I type right now, she’s snuggled in the huge king size bed sawing logs.

It is my goal to teach her to sleep in her crib, but honestly I’m afraid. She’s a stubborn little thing and I know it’s going to be a nightmare of a task.  On the other hand, I need to do it for the sake of my marriage.

*Quinn naps in our bed AND I lay next to her until she falls asleep. She has not yet successfully put herself to sleep for a nap or at bedtime.  (I’m not counting when she falls asleep in the Bjorn or in the Stroller). I lie her down and snuggle up to her… She crashes out in a few minutes.  I have actually tried many times to get her to nap on her own, however, she’s never asleep when the alarm of my internal “cry it out” clock rings at 15 minutes.  At which point she’s so worked up, I’ve just quadrupled the time it’ll take to get her to fall asleep because she’s so amped.  Egads… What a dream it is, to think about the day she’ll put herself to sleep.

The truth is, our daughter is so similar to so many babies…  She is able to be taught how to sleep in her crib and how to fall asleep on her own.  The question is, am I able to do it? When I do work up the courage, oh my gosh, it’s gonna be tough.  Tears, heartbreak… the whole nine yards folks.

Now I’m done and now you know…

Quinn is 4 months old and we celebrated by getting her shots.  While I’ve mostly signed on with the school O’ thought that vaccinations should happen, what a miserable way to celebrate 4 months.

As unpleasant as it was, Quinn was a real champ.  She had just finished showing off all of her new “baby moves”, including rolling over for everyone, so I think she was on an endorphin high when the first needle punctured her little chubby thighs.  I say that because she cried for only a minute — and then was fine.  Hummm… so either the endorphins or the Infant Tylenol I had dosed her with an hour prior.

So for record and memory purposes… @ 4 months:

15 pounds, 1/2 ounce

25 Inches Long

She’s sitting proudly in the 75th Percentile for Height and Weight and the 50th Percentile for head size.

What a Mighty Quinn!

So, I was really dreading going back to work. Then I went for one week and then the next week I QUIT.

I had many conversations with friends and family in the weeks leading up to my return to work. All of them giving me words of encouragement. Many of them telling me, through their experience, that yes, this can in fact be done. Especially since I was only returning to a 3-day work week.

Filled with encouragement – I was ready to give it a “go”.

The week was full of “hi’s”, “hello’s” and “how are you’s”, computer problems and attempts to speak to adults about adult things. Pumping quickly becoming a nightmare… I was pumping once before Quinn woke up, 3 times at work and 2 times in the evening, plus feeding her in the morning and evening… I was trying to pump enough to feed her for the following day and it was completely stressful. Can I just say that the idea of not creating enough food for your child to eat is just about the most nerve racking thing I can think of… My hat is off to all mom’s who dedicate their time to pumping when they return to work.  Because honestly, by the time my head hit the pillow, I was exhausted. Oh yes, and to top it off, my boobs were wrecked beyond belief — which is what happens when you turn a Medela pump ALL the way up…

By the third day my separation anxiety was manageable and Quinn was beginning to settle in with my mother in-law…  So, why was I coming home in tears each night?

There were many factors for me quitting, but really, it simply comes down to — I want to be with my daughter. I love being with her everyday. I really enjoy my time with her. I love watching her change everyday. Working felt artificial. When I was there, I was going through the motions… but my head and heart were somewhere else — with her. And after a voluntary demotion and voluntary decrease in hours, the paycheck simply was not worth it.

I had always assumed that when I had a child, I would balance work and parenthood — I’ve been working full-time since I was 17 and the idea of not working or helping support my family seemed foreign to me. Hehe…  that was of course, before that little face appeared in our lives and slowly things began to change.

Jake and I had long conversations over the weekend. Could we afford me staying home, would I be able to “mentally” handle being with a child 24/7, or rather, the lack of adult interaction…  Yes, we’d have to tighten our belt, and NO there was no more excuses for not creating a budget, and yes, I think I am prepared for the mental exercise of days with just Quinn and I.  So, in the end, we agreed that my place right now is home with Quinn. And when we made the decision and said it out-loud, I felt a weight being lifted. I felt this anxiety that had begun to settle weeks prior, vanish.

So, today was my last day at work and it was with much mixed emotions. I’ve been with my employer for almost 9 years and to walk away from it felt strange. This company has been a long chapter in my life.  It’s been the one “constant” in a very busy life…  It saw me through a first (brief) marriage, a painful divorce, many nights “tying one off” in an attempt to relax, find myself and enjoy what I thought I had originally missed out on, a couple super lame relationships, many great friendships and finally Jake, a second marriage, much traveling, buying a house, remodeling a house and finally having a baby. LP’s been through it all.

Even still, it was a relatively easy thing to do (showing the power of an offspring).  When I got home, I had to nurse my baby girl and while was lying there, staring at her, staring at me… I was filled with so much joy.  I told her, “mommy’s here…”