Ummm… Nevermind (3 months 3 weeks)
So, I was really dreading going back to work. Then I went for one week and then the next week I QUIT.
I had many conversations with friends and family in the weeks leading up to my return to work. All of them giving me words of encouragement. Many of them telling me, through their experience, that yes, this can in fact be done. Especially since I was only returning to a 3-day work week.
Filled with encouragement – I was ready to give it a “go”.
The week was full of “hi’s”, “hello’s” and “how are you’s”, computer problems and attempts to speak to adults about adult things. Pumping quickly becoming a nightmare… I was pumping once before Quinn woke up, 3 times at work and 2 times in the evening, plus feeding her in the morning and evening… I was trying to pump enough to feed her for the following day and it was completely stressful. Can I just say that the idea of not creating enough food for your child to eat is just about the most nerve racking thing I can think of… My hat is off to all mom’s who dedicate their time to pumping when they return to work. Because honestly, by the time my head hit the pillow, I was exhausted. Oh yes, and to top it off, my boobs were wrecked beyond belief — which is what happens when you turn a Medela pump ALL the way up…
By the third day my separation anxiety was manageable and Quinn was beginning to settle in with my mother in-law… So, why was I coming home in tears each night?
There were many factors for me quitting, but really, it simply comes down to — I want to be with my daughter. I love being with her everyday. I really enjoy my time with her. I love watching her change everyday. Working felt artificial. When I was there, I was going through the motions… but my head and heart were somewhere else — with her. And after a voluntary demotion and voluntary decrease in hours, the paycheck simply was not worth it.
I had always assumed that when I had a child, I would balance work and parenthood — I’ve been working full-time since I was 17 and the idea of not working or helping support my family seemed foreign to me. Hehe… that was of course, before that little face appeared in our lives and slowly things began to change.
Jake and I had long conversations over the weekend. Could we afford me staying home, would I be able to “mentally” handle being with a child 24/7, or rather, the lack of adult interaction… Yes, we’d have to tighten our belt, and NO there was no more excuses for not creating a budget, and yes, I think I am prepared for the mental exercise of days with just Quinn and I. So, in the end, we agreed that my place right now is home with Quinn. And when we made the decision and said it out-loud, I felt a weight being lifted. I felt this anxiety that had begun to settle weeks prior, vanish.
So, today was my last day at work and it was with much mixed emotions. I’ve been with my employer for almost 9 years and to walk away from it felt strange. This company has been a long chapter in my life. It’s been the one “constant” in a very busy life… It saw me through a first (brief) marriage, a painful divorce, many nights “tying one off” in an attempt to relax, find myself and enjoy what I thought I had originally missed out on, a couple super lame relationships, many great friendships and finally Jake, a second marriage, much traveling, buying a house, remodeling a house and finally having a baby. LP’s been through it all.
Even still, it was a relatively easy thing to do (showing the power of an offspring). When I got home, I had to nurse my baby girl and while was lying there, staring at her, staring at me… I was filled with so much joy. I told her, “mommy’s here…”
