Road to Relaxation
Earlier this week I caught up with the new season of American Idol and couldn’t help notice a wave of memories from the last season. What, don’t you all re-live your memories through past seasons of reality tv??? Hehe. This wave of nervousness, newness & uneasiness came over me as I sat watching Simon Cowell. Not because of Simon. I’m quite fond of him actually. The “feelings” were due to the new life that had joined us. When Quinn was so little, she didn’t really have any sort of bedtime, as she was sleeping for most of the hours in the day. I remember during last season of AI, I would stay up to watch the show and Quinn would go from my boobs, to the swing to Jake, in a sort of rotation. I would be deliriously tired, but sort of avoided “bedtime”.
I know that new moms are nervous, but I was REALLY nervous. Like really nervous. Just ask my husband. I was a wreck. When I wasn’t nursing or holding her while she was sleeping, I was on the internet, searching for clues about why she’s doing this or that. I remember this overwhelming feeling of uneasiness, especially in the evening hours, and as bedtime approached. ESPECIALLY when bedtime approached. I was afraid of what the nighttime would bring. Would she sleep? Would I sleep?
I also remember being filled with so much empathy for this little being — probably too much empathy. When Quinn was born, I was so, so, so concerned for her needs. I was so worried about how she was feeling, how freaked out this little person must be… you know, being brought into this cold unfamiliar world and all. I felt horrible when she cried. I was very focused on the idea that this newly born person, didn’t KNOW to trust me. She didn’t know what was coming next. My undying empathy got in the way many times. Jake had a hard time understanding.
I remember at one point, when she was less than two weeks old, she was wailing about not being on the boob and Jake cheerfully said “oh, how cute”. I was seriously horrified. I said “don’t laugh at her when she’s crying”… He just looked at me and managed to muster “are you serious” before walking out of the room. I sat there thinking, ok, maybe I’m being just a bit too uptight here. But I couldn’t help it. Call it hormones, or just call it my crazy head, but I was seriously worried all the time about how this little girl was feeling.
11 months later, I feel so different. I know, not a surprise. She knows me. She knows us, Jake and I. She knows what comes next during most of her day. She knows diapers, she knows dinner, she knows nighttime. She trusts us. When she’s hurt or scared, she clings to us. And it feels so good. Her trust in us. This has allowed me to relax and be the mom I want to be. The road to RELAXATION took a number of months to get to, but now that it’s here, I find myself truly enjoying parenthood.
“She’s Walking”